So the girl I am doing my internship with is rich and it drives me insane. Her mom and dad are buying a car because she got an internship, oh and when she gets a job they are going to buy her a house, a house. That is crazy. Oh and she won't decide on a car, I'm sorry if someone said that they were going to buy me a car any car that I wanted I would be choosing that car that day. She has never had to work a day in her life, when she started the internship her friends were made fun of her because they told her that they didn't think she knew how to work. It is so irritating.

So tomorrow I go in for the ultrasound and I should now more about what is going on in a couple of days then, so hopefully by the end of the week I will know what is happening. Oh and I get to be NPO (nothing by mouth) tomorrow until the ultrasound. I hate tests. I don't know if I should be nervous or not. We will see what happens.

So I was going to go in today to put in an extra day at my internship and get the chance to get some more experience in, but when I got up this morning I was feeling pretty shitty, and I have been feeling pretty shitty for a couple of weeks. So I decided I was going to go back to the doctor this morning and make sure nothing more was going on then a simple sinus infection. While it turns out there is more going on and now I get to have an abdominal ultrasound because as the doctor put it "you have knots in your abdomen." What the hell is that supposed  to mean. I have knots. So now I have to have an ultrasound. Should I be worried, could it be something bad. I hate when doctors are so elusive to what they are saying.

So yesterday I woke up with a horrible migrane and I ended up being stuck in bed most of the morning, and then it went away finally. This morning I have a small migrane and it is really bothering me because it makes my eyes all foggy and hard to look at anything. But the headache isn't horrible so I guess I can live with that. I already took a bunch of ibuprofens and stuff so hopefully that will help it, but I hate being sick.

I hate computers, so I bought a new computer less than a week ago and I had to already take it back in because the shipment of HP's that they got in had a flaw with their internet explorer browser. So after they tried to fix it, unsuccessfully I finally told them that I wanted a different computer for the same price, and now I have a Sony VAIO. So hopefully this one will work for me, otherwise I am giving up on the whole computer thing.

Oh and it really sucks because I have been sick all week, and I haven't felt like doing anything so now I am behind on stuff.

Life Sucks!!!!!

So I think I am coming down with something because my chest hurts and I feel all stuffed up. But I don't have time to be sick because I have to get all my hours done before the end of November so I can be home in time for my graduation. So I can't be sick. We will see what happens, hopefully it ends up being nothing.

So my old laptop went capoot this weekend so I had to go out and get a new one, which is sad because I loved my little dell, it did everything that I needed it to do and was a great size for me. Now I have gone bigger and it's a little odd. It's an HP with a full keyboard which is odd because I'm not used to having so much room for the keys so I have to get used to typing again on this type of keyboard and there is a number pad too, not just the numbers on top of the letters. So that is odd to me. But so far I like it, I mean it's a new toy to play with and I have to learn all about it to get used to it.

I've started having my anxiety attacks again which makes me so mad because I can't stand it. I hate waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I can't breath and like I am going to throw up. I hate the feeling of dread coming over me every time I have to go to sleep not knowing if I am going to have another attack that night. It really sucks but somehoe I will get through it one way or another.

So it always seems that whenever I feel like I am doing good with everything that has happened I feel like it all falls apart. My brain just doesn't seem to be able to handle all the things that go through it on a daily basis, shit even a moment's basis. My head seems so jumbled that I can't think for myself anymore.

So I was watching One Tree Hill today and saw the name John Norris and was like that name is familiar. So I look it up and it's the same guy that used to do MTV news. I thought that was strange, he is now a writer and a producer for One Tree Hill.

So one of the PS2's went missing off the ped's floor sometime this weekend when none of the Child Life Specialist's where there and it had seven popular teen movies locked into the case with it. It's somewhere in the hospital floating about most likely because someone would have noticed someone leaving the hospital with a large cart with a tv on top. But it's frustrating because now were missing all those movies until we find it and we have lot's of teens on the floor right now wanting to watch those.

So I stopped updating this journal because I found out some people were trying to spy on me because they weren't happy that they didn't know what was happening in my life anymore. Some people need to learn they are not part of my life anymore and they will never be. There actions have decided this for them. They have ruined a family that used to be close knit and they have teared it apart at the seams. When you do that you can't expect people to respect you anymore. So I have decided to start to update this again because I can't let them ruin my life anymore. I need to be who I am and allow myself to continue to heal.

So I am in a serious funk right now were I don't want to do anything. I mean I'm not doing my homework, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to work. Anything. All I feel like doing is sitting in my bed and watch stupid sitcoms and stupid movies. This is bad, I need to get out of this funk right now because I have to much due and not enough time to do it.

So I should be sleeping right now, but I'm obviously not. The last couple of days stuff seems to be hitting me a lot harder than usual, and I just can't seem to stop crying. Maybe I am finally letting everything hit me that is going on, I mean come on I almost freaked out when I found out my father was going out drinking and he was going to be driving home. It scared the crap out of me, what if I was to loose him too. I don't think I could make it through that.
I have pretty much cut myself off from my mom's side of the family, I have decided they aren't worth my time anymore and I don't care what they have to say. I really only talk to Joey and Rachael now a days. Which is so hard to fathom because I used to be so close to my moms side of the family. But the things they have pulled since my mom has died has made me hate them more and more each day. I don't care what anyone say's Stephanie Harling is a huge B****, and I will be happy the day she is dead. I know you are thinking that is harsh, but the lies she has told and continues to tell and get caught in is too much and she doesn't deserve to be on this earth.

So this week I lost 3.6 pounds, bringing my grand total up to 6.8 pounds which makes me so happy. But in the back of my mind I can feel the negativity of I have to have a bad week somewhere. But I am trying to ignore it and keep on task of doing the weight watchers thing, because I want to look great and skinny for once in my life.

That is hillarious!!!

So I haven't updated in awhile, and I don't know why, I mean I check this thing pretty much everyday, but I guess I just don't have enough time to do everything.
I made it through Christmas, it was tough but I did it. The one year anniversary is coming up in one week, that's going to be hard, but I'll be around people that I know care. It will also help that I'll be at Disney World for that week so I'll be busy doing stuff. Something that I need to do or I'll go insane.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and the new year is blessed!

So today is December 1, and it is world aids day a day to remind people of this horrible disease and to remember all that have parished because of it. I lost my Uncle Mike to Aids my senior year of high school. We knew it was coming but it was still a devastating blow, especially since he didn't feel safe enough to tell us that he had it. We all knew he did, but he couldn't say it to us. So on this day remember all the ones that are out there with this terrible disease and remember there are plenty of ways to help. A great one is Camp Heartland, a camp for kids and there siblings who are aflicted by the virus to go to camp and have a time of normalcy and not worry about what people are thinking.